| I don't write on this thing anymore..ever.
My last full semester of classes is over. Only two more finals between me and winter break.
GLORIOUS!
perhaps I will write something more profound someday...
|
| |
| I got a sweet babysitting job...really sweet.
life is good. school is overwhelming at times. I am a SENIOR...have I mentioned that yet? Friends are good. Love is great:)
peace.
|
| |
| It has been a long time since I've had a good cry. I guess tonight was the time for that.
I got my room after my RA meeting and after my room mate went to bed I just cried. I feel like I held it in all day. In class I would think about the events of two years ago on September 18th and my eyes would well up with tears. I tried my hardest to refocus my attention on what the professor was saying or what someone else was talking about so that I could ignore that I am still hurting.
Besides my parents divorce this was probably the worst day of my life and I haven't been able to shake it for one whole day since then. My brother Stephen lost his best friend. I remember getting the phone call knowing things would never be the same. He was part of the family, went on vacations with us, begged me to take him on wawa runs even more than my own brother did, and was my brothers best friend through thick and thin...and man did they have some tough times to get through together.
Today I realized that I am still grieving the loss of Mike. Two years ago on September 18th I also lost a part of my brother. Since that day he hasn't been the same. It breaks my heart to see it and I can't even imagine how he must feel everyday. He is so different and struggles so much. I've tried my best to show him that I love him and care about him without getting all sappy but lately I just haven't cared about being sappy. I just want him to know that I care about him and that I believe in I'm. I'm not just sitting around waiting for him to make another mistake or fail at something. I am waiting for him to succeed and become the great man that I know he is.
I fight the tears and recognition of the loss of Mike and everything that came with the situation because I felt like it wasn't okay that I still felt like this. I felt like God should have taken this from me already....and everyone else for that matter. Was I not seeking after Him enough? NO SILLY ME! Grief is an ongoing process. It is not something that just vanishes or that people get over. It's something that when reminded of a situation surfaces and is dealt with time and time again. So today(since it's after midnight) I am willing to sit here in tears at my computer not knowing really what to say(in case you haven't noticed from this post) and admit that I am hurting, I'm peeling back the crusty outer shell.
If you took the time to read this then I thank you for caring about all that I had to say. Please pray for people that knew Mike and were close to him today. Pray for strength and comfort.
Michael Mariano, you are loved very much and missed every single day.
 |
| |
| I am getting worse and worse at this xanga thing as time goes on.
I'm done camp for the summer. It was very very busy. I have a hard time balancing being so incredibly busy and my friendships. I am a bad friend when I am busy. I have let some of my greatest friendships go down the tubes(at least for a period of time) because my schedule get in my way and I feel like I am digging myself out of my piles and piles of things to do. Right now I am in the digging phase of things...
I am SENIOR! It's so unreal but at the same time the 'real world' is staring me straight in the face with a not so happy look. I have lots of big decisions to make in the near future. I am not one of those seniors who is engaged and ready to be married as soon as graduation hits. Sometime in the near future would be nice but that isn't staring me in the face just yet. I registered for my last praxis tests today and my student teaching application is in the works. MAY 10...here I come!!
Happy weekend. I just rambled but hey i'm on duty and it's a friday night. What else is there to do at a time like this?
|
| |
| Wow..time flies. I have been at camp for almost three whole weeks and it feels like a couple days. Being the head honcho(sp?) has been keeping me SO busy. I am always making menus and ordering food. It is a never ending task but I am constantly being refreshed and renewed.
God has been working on my heart so much already this summer. During the first week I was so overwhelmed and was just trying to go through the motions of things witout falling to pieces. One night during the service we were singing 'I surrender' and I broke down. I love that song and I can't even tell you how many times I have sung the words but they were so hallow...so empty. I never really thought about the words and if I was fully surrendering myself. The part that really stood out to me was " I will ever love and trust you"...really? Do I really mean that? We are three weeks in and God is working on my and changing my heart. I am excited for what the rest of the summer has in store. Many kids and adults have come through here already this summer and have been renewed and restored. Your prayers are needed for this camp, for the work that is being done here, for the campers, strength for the staff, and a clear vision of what God is calling each of us to say and do.
I hope you are all enjoying your summer. My posts/contacts with people are few and far between because of my extreme lack of time but I assure you that my thoughts and prayers for you are not. |
| |
